My wife and I had planned on being the typical American couple. We’d get married, work for a couple of years (to earn some stability and get to know one another) and then start our family. We had seen our friends follow this same agenda and it seemed simple enough. We learned it was not always so simple… Finally, after a decade of trying and reaching the ripe-old age of thirty-eight, we realized that having a baby just wasn’t going to happen the “old-fashioned way.” So, we sought help. Only to find that “help” to be very expensive. The process of IVF (in-vitro fertilization) and subsequent pregnancy and birth would cost tens of thousands of dollars, which we didn’t have. But, we did have our house. Years of scrimping, saving, used cars and brown-bag lunches had allowed us to pay off our school debts and save just enough for a down payment on a small three-bedroom, two-bath house on the outskirts of town. Vickie and I both worked full time, living in tiny apartments in bad neighborhoods to…
Introduction Have you ever felt that the world is outside of your grasp? Things happen to everyone else, why would they happen to you? That dream job you’ve always wanted, but resigned yourself to never being good enough for it? This was what I felt even as I started at the University of Alaska Fairbanks. My life was surrounded my dead-end retail jobs and wasn’t going anywhere. After five years of this, however, I reevaluated my life. Why did I believe that I couldn’t do more? It was time for a change. It was time for me to be more. There was a huge gap in my life. I spent all my life working one job after another, trying to make money, but never making anything. The jobs were boring, and I never wanted to be in any position long enough to move up and get experience at a different level. After a divorce, I was lost. I was tired of my dead-end jobs, I wasn’t making enough money to live on my own, and leaning on other people was giving me more guilt than pleasure. How is a woman supposed to…
While sitting in my favorite spot by the water, the last beams of sunlight warming my skin, I read these words (written by Lisa Gungor in her book The Most Beautiful Thing I’ve Seen) -
“But I’ve found my life is built on ordinary days of going in and coming out… This is where I’ve found grandness. This is where I’ve found what I believe about life and where I’ve found myself applauding others instead. It’s in long nights on a good porch, letting the silence sit next to you. It’s the hard things that hit or the people who teach, giving you eyes to see.”
I read these words and memories came flooding back, along with a few tears.
Suddenly, I am back in my grandparent’s kitchen drinking Irish breakfast tea and eating cinnamon rolls my aunt made. My aunt. Rhonda. Ten years later, I still feel the pain of loss gripping me as I think about her. I hold space for it a moment. Take a breath and let it go.
Who Am I
I often wonder who am I to talk to people about pain - something so personal…
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