The day you broke me wasn't the day you attacked me.
The day you broke me wasn't the days, weeks or months that followed. The day you broke me wasn't even the hours upon hours I spent crying in my shower. The day you broke me was far worse than any of that... and I can't rid myself of that feeling. I can't take back how small, scared, or broken I felt the minute you came strolling back into my life as if nothing was wrong. As if you had never done all of those horrible things... and I was just supposed to be okay with it. You came, and everyone welcomed you back as a hero, applauded coming home victorious; while I had to sit and watch in fear. While they all saw the prodigal son returning home, I prayed - clamping my eyes shut, afraid to peer into yours. Afraid what I would see would be the same as that day. When I finally worked up the courage to open my eyes once again, even from across the room, I felt the ice in your stare; and my fear returned. I was frozen in my place; I couldn't move. Even when you began to saunter towards me, I couldn't will my legs to move. I felt your breath on my neck as I shuddered in disgust, willing the tears to stay back. I couldn't let you see me be weak; I wouldn't. Not again. As you moved back, I once again saw your eyes. Piercing green with dark brown flecks that I once found so attractive, now cause my stomach to turn as the bile simmers. You tell me that all is forgiven and we can go back to how we were before I said all of those horrible things about you, and still, I refuse to let myself break. As you move away, I catch your eyes one last time. The same ice and darkness I saw that day remained; I knew nothing was going to change. Your lips curled up, like the Joker knowing he'd won.And now once again I am alone.
Crying in my shower because no one will believe me, no one. At times, I don't even believe it; that's how bad you screwed me up. I lie for days at a time telling everyone I'm fine, but I am on fire inside. You took advantage of me, of my sympathy and my loyalty. You knew I wasn't going to do anything because of how you had groomed and manipulated me. And now that it's too late, you could care less what happens to me. As with all of your other toys, I lie here in the gutter, waiting for the ravages of time to take me away. I still can't go back there, you know. To "our spot" as you so sardonically called it. You took away a place that I loved and made it into something so vile. And now you are back again... and once again, I am alone. No one will consider believing me, no matter how they say the world has changed. So, here I will sit and write and cry and pray and hope one-day things will get better and that I will be able to move on. If that day does come, I suppose on that day we see each other again; and I can rub your face in the fact that, yes, you may have broken me, but I found someone who didn't put me back together, but who took care of me as I am as you threw me away.For all of those who are unable to speak up against those who hurt them, physically and emotionally, I see your pain; I feel your sorrow because I am you.
Below is what I have wanted to say for so long to those who hurt me, putting it out into the world may not resolve my anger or my feelings, but I hope that those of you who read this can confront your pain and forgive yourself. None of this was your fault, none of this is because you did something wrong. You are a victim, and we need to stop blaming ourselves for that. I love and support you all. Don't give up, the skies are clearing, and I hope we will all step out into the sun soon.
