Appearance in the current dating scene
It is said that beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, so the definition of beauty has also changed multiple times in the past. What we define as the attractive physical appearance in our modern culture is simply the most recent reiteration of the standards of beauty. Dating, relationship, and beauty have always been interlinked, and it is only natural for physically attractive people to be highly desirable. What happens though, when we choose our partner based solely on looks despite noticing that they are lacking in personality, intelligence, a sense of humor, sociability etc., basically the unique combination of appealing ingredients necessary to make each individual relationship work?
The short answer is: the relationship doesn't last. Newly formed couples quickly discover that the magic induced by sexual hormones dissipates to reveal a physically attractive but ultimately incompatible partner. The long answer calls out to the pillars that make up the foundation of a stable relationship. Using this analogy, a relationship based only on the physical attractiveness pillar has no balance and stability, therefore the only choice for the emergent relationship is to quickly topple over.
This is not a demonization of the importance of appearance in dating and relationships. It is the exaggeration of the importance of this feature that makes it harmful. That overshadows the other pillars and makes them seem trivial, thus not worth developing. The emergence of this superficiality culture can be attributed to all forms of the media and its rise as one of the most efficient information spreading tools. The media has performed the latest plastic surgery, so to speak, to change the face of beauty. We are assaulted every day through every means available, be it television set, Smartphone, tablet, laptop, Pc, magazines, newspapers or billboards by the current ideal of beauty: slim models displaying hourglass figures, flawless skin, and arrogant attitudes. It stands to reason that after being bombarded with this information day in and day out, many would blindly choose to follow this newly discovered religion of the Ego, the narcissist, the self-centered human. More pillars at the base of a relationship mean more stability.
Compatibility with the partner in as many areas of one's life as possible dramatically increases the chances of a durable and happy relationship. Having things in common with your partner is essential to a healthy relationship. Common interests together with common values can be partly ascertained from the first date. They play a critical part later when couples are making decisions together. If the values differ, then making decisions becomes a struggle for power, and one of the partners inevitably dominates the other causing friction and dissent to arise. That brings us to the next pillar, handling arguments or conflict. People who find themselves in a superficial relationship have no real desire to play nice when their ideas, decisions or beliefs are being challenged.
They try to dominate the other or make a hasty retreat back to the single life when coming across too much resistance. Conflict is an unavoidable part of human interaction and when handled properly, it can be productive and even deepen the bond between two people. That kind of interaction requires emotional intelligence, a sense of friendship and a desire to manage the conflict (another three pillars) so that it has a favorable outcome for both participants.
Being comfortable in a relationship is important and a good indicator that things are going well. Feeling at ease with the partner even on days when nothing special happens, waiting for him or her to come home and looking forward to talking about the events of the day, good and bad, means that there is more to the relationship than physical attraction.
When all else fails, a sense of humor can rescue the day. Being funny breaks the ice, lowers people's guards, changes the flow of depressing or boring conversations and is overall a desirable trait. Having said all that, there are many types of humor and being funny at the inappropriate time or place can annoy or genuinely piss off the partner.
I don't believe that a return to the good old-fashioned values is the way to go here. The old generations had their shot and made the best they could out of it. The circumstances are different in today's fast-moving society and that calls for a different approach. I say learn from the mistakes of the ones before us, learn from our own mistakes (works best), anticipate future problems, recognize that we are all human, we have feelings and needs that have to be met and that discovering the path to happiness in a relationship is a journey for two.
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