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Imagine you come home unannounced or early one day and notice an extra pair of shoes at the entrance. You wonder about it but don’t make a big deal out of it, until you hear muffled noises from the bedroom. You approach with a mixture of feelings ranging from: “Haha, it sounds like somebody is like, having sex in my bedroom!” to ”WWWWhwaaaaaaaaaaatttt the FFFFFFffuuuuuu*********? Nothing could have prepared you for that reality and because of that, many people choose to not open the door and confirm their worst fear. That doesn’t change the fact that it is happening and most individuals are taken completely by surprise by this relationship-changing turn of events. The first instinct is to publicly defame these people and label them as adulterers, home-wreckers, sleazy and underhanded, cheating bastards. You, of course, are the victim, the person whose trust has been completely betrayed in such a vulgar and heart-breaking manner. What if I told you that this story has two recollections told from vastly different perspectives and while yours incriminates the other, his/her side of the story most definitely puts you at the top of the list of things that made him/her cheat. What if it’s really not their fault, but yours?
Using the cheesy example from earlier, you go home, hear noises in the bedroom, find your partner in bed with somebody else, making noises that you never heard before. You are so surprised, that the cartoon characters who literally drop their jaws to the floor have nothing on you. There’s your problem, right there! The cheating is just the last part of the process, usually, a long one that starts with the partner being disappointed in you. Why are they disappointed in you? You don’t pay real attention to them, you don’t see them as they really are.
When the relationship starts, you are all over the other person, showering them with gifts, attention, noticing the subtle changes in their disposition and acting on that to offer them the best experience with you. As time goes by, you become less sensitive to these changes, considering that the bond has already formed and the two of you have to return to the real world and deal with the problems and challenges before you. So far, everything is normal. This happens to most people when the initial “butterflies in the stomach” feeling subsides. By now, you believe that you have a good understanding of who this person sleeping next to you is and what makes them tick. Life gets in the way and you become preoccupied with other things, having the relationship take a back seat to more pressing issues that naturally present themselves. You still spend time together but your mind is often elsewhere and after a while, the partner may feel alone even if you are there. They crave the you from the beginning, the you that was there in mind and body, not the absent-minded person sitting in front of them, pretending to care about whatever you are doing at the moment. Being preoccupied with work even at home for prolonged periods of time is a bad excuse and a good indicator of a failing relationship.
You stop learning new things about your partner. The truth is, you need a lifetime to know somebody. If you cease to inquire about the interests of the other after a few years, because you “know them already” you might be heading for trouble. A person may want to do things that don’t fit into their socially established persona, so they will only express those wishes to others that they are close to. They will most likely talk to you about it first but if you just brush the idea off as childish, dangerous, weird or unsuitable, that will hurt their feelings and make them trust you less. Hidden desires are often expressed in a hushed voice and if you’re not paying attention, you will miss the opportunity to be the one he/she tries those ideas out with. These desires are deeply embedded in their psyche and will keep pestering them until they sooner or later try them out, with or without your permission. By hidden desires I mean adrenaline-inducing activities that are regarded as dangerous, sexual practices that are considered promiscuous, overall bad boy/girl behavior or just undertakings that they really want to try out for various reasons. These activities are secretly highly regarded by some people. They make them feel alive and give them a sense of freedom that they are missing in their day to day life.
Why do they want to do these things? Humans tend to pursue what they consider to be missing in their lives, so thrill seekers usually have a boring everyday life, cheaters don’t get enough action, or the action that they want in the bedroom, bad boys/girls often have to be extra nice in their daily life. If they don’t get what they need from you, they will eventually find someone else who is willing to do that for/with them. After sharing a thrilling time with that someone, your partner will form a bond with that person, based on positive feelings. They will unconsciously start to compare the relationship with this newly-formed attachment. Around this time, they usually come to you with a crazy idea and ask you to try it out. If you refuse, they will go back to the other and fulfil their wishes. In time, the partner becomes disappointed in your lack of interest for their passions and they will spend increasing amounts of time with the other, who understands and pays attention to them. That leads to feelings of appreciation and finally love for this other person, leading to one, inevitable outcome: you become a thing of the past, a flame gone out, an ex. You may still be together because the partner has difficulty breaking up with you, but by the time he/she decides to cheat, the relationship is long over. All this happened while you weren’t paying attention. The signs were there, the partner talked to you repeatedly but you weren’t really listening and all this could have been avoided if only you had lended an ear to them, acknowledged their desires and accepted to take part in the activities your partner wants to experience.
Don’t take your significant other for granted. This is a mistake that many people make, thinking that after a while, nothing can undo the relationship anymore, so they just stop putting time into it. Remember that you are dealing with human beings, the most emotionally advanced creatures on this planet and if you think that they will stay with you forever because you treated them good a while back, well, good luck with that. Love takes on a life of its own and needs constant care and attention put into it to survive and grow. Relationships are ever-evolving so if you stop paying attention to it because you are already at the level you want to be or feel that there is no need to work on it anymore, then you will be left behind by the other, who has kept growing and evolving this whole time. This is on you, not them.
Take your time when choosing your partner. Don’t pick somebody with a fickle personality and then be surprised because they cheat. That is like keeping a wild snake around the house and then being shocked by the fact that it bit you. Some people are prone to cheating and you will notice plenty of signs early on if you pay attention. Don’t think that you can change their ways. You will most likely fail and suffer heartache. The will to change has to come from them and even then, most attempts end in disaster. For a relationship to work, you have to look beyond the physical and explore compatibility at a deeper level.
If you want a relationship to last, you have to take a good, long, honest look at yourself. Regular people don’t cheat after one drink with a stranger. They exhaust all other options before resorting to throwing themselves into the arms of somebody else. You have failed to be the partner he/she needs. You have stopped listening to the desires of the other. You ignored the signs that something was wrong. You chose to be this way and whatever excuse you may come up with to justify yourself, it does little to change the facts. The process of rehabilitating a malfunctioning relationship is easy at first, becoming harder as time goes by because the emotional distance between the two of you increases steadily. If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, I urge you to take action in rectifying your behavior, become accepting of the quirks of the other and most importantly (I can’t stress this enough) PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR PARTNER. If you don’t then there is a good chance that you will catch them in bed with somebody else. You have nobody to blame for that but yourself.

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