Hello there, aspiring player! Are you having trouble getting the attention of females? Is your face so ugly that even Russian mail order brides swipe left on you? If you feel down on your luck and want to change that, then BECOME A PLAYER (to be read as "PLAYA") TODAY!!! No prior knowledge of women required! All you have to do is to embrace the player attitude, attire and general way of life. There is hope for you yet if you decide to become a P.L.A.Y.E.R. (Person Longing for Attention and Yearning for Embarrassing Relationships).

What do you have to do to take those early steps in the direction of becoming a player? First, abandon all decency. Do you remember those manners taught to you by caring family and friends? Drop them! Drop them like they’re hot! Your new self-has no need to act civilized around other people. In today’s society, it’s all about the individual i.e. you, and what you want. Everybody else has to deal with it because you are the most important, awesome, interesting and all-round coolest dude to walk this earth. The others should feel honored to even be allowed to stand in your presence.

Second, take care of your body. Go to the gym religiously and take all the supplements that your new player friends recommend. If the muscle gains are not immediate, turn to steroids bought from a shady guy you met at the gym. He is the foundation to your new, quickly acquired an amazing body. Do not worry about your testicles becoming smaller. That is a sign that you are turning into the a-hole you were meant to be and also the foundation of your insecurities that will make you treat people like they are rags. Train until you have difficulty wiping your own but. That is how you know that you have reached the pinnacle of masculinity. When women go by, raise your arms, flex your biceps, turn your wrists outward and hold. The veinier you are, the better. Females will be amazed by how much your upper body resembles a uterus in this position, and surely fall for you. Also, make sure to invest in grooming your eyebrows. The sum that you spend on thinning the eyebrows and making them look suspiciously feminine, should put regular women to shame.

Whenever possible, attempt to belittle women, objectify them and constantly keep them under your thumb. They secretly love that! Try to make as many jokes as you can about women belonging in the kitchen. They may seem utterly disheartened and have that “because of you, I hate men so much, that I might actually turn lesbian” look in their eyes, but in their head, you can be sure that they are totally LOL-ing over your exquisite sense of humor. This apparently excessive display of misogynistic masculinity is just what you need to make it with the ladies. If for some reason they don’t seem to react well to it, quickly suggest a threesome with her best friend. That may de-tense the situation enough to allow you to retake control of the situation.

Constantly ask your newly-acquired woman to praise the size of your penis, regardless of the actual length and girth. If she keeps repeating that it is “humongous”, a monster”, “like a boa constrictor” or the crowd favorite, “like a baby’s arm”, she will eventually come to believe this lie and see you and your little(I mean humongous) appendices in a whole new light. The best way to deal with a woman that just doesn’t want to hook up with you is to wear her down with constant pickup lines and drinks that she didn’t ask for or even likes. While this may seem like a dick move to the well-behaved majority of the population, you can’t let something as bothersome as morals to get in your way.

Wow, her with your gadgets and car. Buy the newest and best there is, because as a player, your whole worth as a human being lies in what you own. The newest phone, the newest clothes collection (as long as they are absurdly expensive, any items of clothing can be combined), an awesome car (just like in a popular song, you ask the woman to take her shoes off before getting in)and a house the size of a small island are recommended. There is no such thing as too much stuff, so don’t be afraid to reach for greatness and pile up one cool thing over another. Do this long enough and eventually, you will have amassed a big pile of...awesome things!

Being a player is hard because most of the people will condemn this behavior as childish, stupid or even retarded. Do not listen to them, they are envious. In fact, anytime you hear somebody tell you something that you don’t like, automatically assume that they are jealous of you. Refer to these people as “haters” and destroy their well-constructed arguments with jokes about their mothers. This is the path of the player, created by values such as ignorance, intolerance, hubris, greed, and lust. Future player, stay strong in the body, weak in the mind, stubborn in your flimsy beliefs, use your pride to replace a real system of values, and refuse to change. You will have a blast being a walking warning tale to those annoying decent people.

Live long and prosper, my ignorant friend!